You Might End Up Regretting Your Choices And It Will Be Too Late To Go Back And Undo It.
I am a single mother of four kids, all with different fathers. Two of my children have dads who are married, both total jerks of course since they act as if their kids with me don’t exist. You can call me any word you want – slut, whore, home wrecker, irresponsible and reckless. I’ll accept that, but know this – I don’t care. I only care about one thing right now and that is to raise my kids the proper way.
If only I can bring back the past, I would. I should have studied well in high school, stayed away from my slutty friends in college and went on to graduate. Because of my poor decisions, my life has turned out this way. I am a 40-year-old woman who works as a waitress and living from pay check to pay check with four underage kids to feed and no support from their no-good fathers. No offense to other waitresses, it is a decent living. It’s hard though because I can’t keep up with the bills and payments to make our lives comfortable. I could have been a Math teacher or a corporate secretary; it used to be my dream.
My parents divorced when I was young, but generally they were good people. It could be that their marriage didn’t work out and instead of killing each other, they chose to stay apart and called it quits. I lived with my grandmother because I hated the new guy in my mom’s life and my dad was always traveling for his work. Nana was too gullible for me and so, I got what I wanted every time and always went my own way. I was sixteen, beautiful, young and too stupid to manage my own life.
Then, I met Carter, my first baby daddy. He got me pregnant at 16 and left me hanging. I finished high school stuck with a reputation on being an “easy girl” and hungry boys all thought they could get a piece of me. Some of them did while I mixed with the wrong crowd.
Nana gave her savings just so I could go to college, but I didn’t move past second year. I got pregnant again and this time, the daddy was my married professor. We were fine for a while until he dumped me because his wife found out. It’s like I’m choosing all the wrong decisions one after the other. I know that I am consciously making it, but it’s as if I didn’t think of anything else to better my ways.
My third child came whose father died in Iraq and then, soon after I was pregnant with my fourth. Needless to say, his father was also married. He is the bum called our neighbor, and nobody knows about it but me.
It’s been like that for me year after year just because I was once a troubled teen who didn’t want to move on. Life can be cruel if you don’t make the right decisions. But everything changed when I met my grade school friend by luck who is now a doctor and my eyes opened. We had lunch and she seemed to genuinely care about me. Leila offered me a job and that was to be her office assistant. She also offered me counseling services and yes, she is a therapist. Once a month, Leila asks me to bring my kids and we do a group therapy session. She is such a great friend.
My sessions with her once a week has helped me realize that there is more to life. I broke off my immoral affairs with a married man and focused more on myself. It was a bit of a challenge at first, but I also took the time to get to know my kids and lead them to the right path. I don’t want any of them to end up like me and I had to be a great example for them.
Leila also told me that I have anger issues. I needed to calm down, forgive those who have wronged me and forgive myself for the things I’ve done. So far, I’m doing well and I have learned a lot. In this steady pace, in time, I will make it.
Here are some of the things that therapists and counselors say about anger:
- “Believe it or not, your brain could be wired for anxiety, anger or any other negative thoughts, feelings or perceptions about yourself and the world.” – Timothy LaGro, M.A. LMHC
- “It’s ‘normal’ to experience some degree of anxiety when stressors are unfamiliar, unpredictable, or imminent.” Marla W. Deibler, PsyD
- “Give yourself permission to do some serious emotional healing to become your happiest self and remember, it is a process more than a destination.” – Roya R. Rad, MA, PsyD