To explain briefly, Parental Alienation Syndrome is a term from Richard Gardner, a child psychiatrist back in 1985. He introduced P.A.S. in his paper titled “Recent Trends in Divorce and Custody Litigation” and described the disorder as a condition that happens to kids when they are involved in child custody cases. The child will denigrate one or both parents for no sufficient or logical reason. According to Bonnie Zucker, PsyD, “Protecting children from sadness, anxiety and stress is a natural instinct for many adults.”
Being divorced is indeed tough. Aside from the fact that you will be raising your child alone, you also need to face how society would react to your situation. Issues like this can be so troublesome that it may lead to parental alienation syndrome.
Crime rates only show the occurrence of crimes committed at a specific time. However, the numbers are just figures, and they will never be the solution to the problem. Studies have shown that one of the significant causes of criminality starts right at the criminal’s home – the family the criminal.
Most people experience the first hints of love during their teenage years. It may start from pure admiration, then to crushes and eventually, they’re already going out. Young love or teen romance is entirely natural and it is among the norms of people in every society. But even if that’s the case, as parents, you should be there to guide your kids as they go through this phase in their lives. Doing so will help your children learn how to handle relationships, overcome obstacles and even accept circumstances that may come along.
This article aims to promote teen pregnancy awareness among the young generation. Individually, it will tackle its effects on one’s health, economic status, and social aspects. On top of all that, this article hopes to open the eyes of teenagers and urge them to make the right decision.
According to Amy Lewin, PsyD, “cause teen mothers often face significant environmental and psychosocial stressors and are at risk for a number of mental health concerns that can affect them and their children, primary care for young mothers and their children must include attention to these problems.”
Becoming a parent is a tremendous honor. But alongside this honor are responsibilities and expectations that should be met. Nurturing, feeding and taking care of a child is a 24-hour job. It is not easy at all. According to Kathy Hardie-Williams, MEd, MS, NCC, LPC, LMFT, “During the teen years, the brain develops at such a rapid pace that it puts the limbic system into fight, flight, or freeze mode.”
One of the reasons why teenagers get into trouble is because of their involvement with gangs. A gang is a group composed of young people who, in their thinking, have the same goal in life. They spend a lot of time together, hanging out with one another and doing “their thing.” Eventually, they will get in trouble.
You are doing your usual daily chores one morning when the phone rings. It’s the school principal telling you that your son bullied a student from another class. You tell her, “Are you sure you’re talking about my son?” That’s the usual response of parents – in fact, the response of almost 90% of parents when someone tells them that their kid IS the bully. Well, here’s a truth that can be backed by therapists and other experts: any kid has the capacity of bullying another, even if you think that kid is a saint.
“Why did my son do this to another child? I never thought he is capable of doing this.”
Family therapist and author Ronald Mah explains that there are two primary reasons why kids bully. First, popular and influential kids bully to keep their popularity and their power in school. The second reason is that those children who were once deprived of attention, finances, or any kind of lack feel that they are entitled to bully other children. Inside, they think, “I’ve had my share of bruises so I can get away with bullying.”
Also, children get to see bullying examples on reality TV shows, videos, kids getting bullied by other kids, and even see it in their family dynamics. And because nobody explains it to them, they do not think that bullying is absolutely not a behavior that should be followed.
What Now?
Take a moment to digest what you just heard from the principal before going to school. Gather information about what happened and let the principal know that you are willing to work with the school administration for a positive result. Keep in mind that you need to make sure your kid will be given a just treatment when it comes to school discipline. For instance, new studies reveal that disabled students and students of a different race are given a tougher ‘punishment’ and are more toughly reprimanded compared to others.
Considering all these, you must observe and evaluate your child first without any judgment and try to focus on understanding the why and how of the behavior involved. Only then will you decide on the appropriate penalties.
But here’s the good news: behaviors such as bullying can be modified and unlearned, and you, as a parent, play a vital role in helping your child change his ways. Here are some tips from therapists who have handled children who are bullies and those who are bullied.
Here are some facts about bullying from therapists:
“It’s not unreasonable to think that bullying is a solo act. Some would think that a group that bullies would easily be detected, but this is not always the case.” – Jason Walker PSYD, PHD
“Bullying can be described as a pattern of behavior by a person or group of people who repeatedly and intentionally exert power (or perceived power) over another person.” – Lisa Bandsuch, LPCC
“Bullying and harassment is often seen as a juvenile problem found in schools” – Jason Walker PsyD, PhD
What To Do To Help Your Child
Recognize What Your Child Did. The first thing you should do it call your kid gently and sit with him. Talk to him in a firm but cool voice, and begin by asking him what transpired in school and why he behaved the way he did. Do this without judgment and blame. Children should know that it is okay to accept that they committed a mistake.
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Help him realize his wrongful doing by asking him significant questions, like, “Do you think what you did was good? Did you think you would not hurt someone? Would you want others to do it to you?” Do not judge but be firm in conveying a message to him that there must be fair treatment for everyone. Tell him, “You know that we don’t do that in our family because we value respect, and we don’t want to be treated that way, too, right?”
Emphasize The Consequences. Let your child understand that he is responsible for his behavior. You can discuss with him the results and the effects of bullying on others and the corresponding penalties for the bully. Write them together with your child and let him review these weekly. Lastly, you must enforce these consequences.
The penalties will depend on the magnitude of your child’s actions. For instance, you can take something from him, something that he thinks he needs, like his phone. You can also reduce his video game time or television time, so he will feel that you are serious. An educational consequence would be something like a discussion on bullying and some healthier ways to approach future circumstances.
After the discussion, ask your child to write something about how he would probably feel if he were the student he bullied, and then eventually you can have him write a sorry note to the bullied student.
Work With The School. Reach out to your child’s school and let them know you are sincere in wanting to improve the circumstances. You are not there to be judged about being a bad parent. Raising a kid is one of the most difficult jobs, and it’s you are not a failure if you seek help. Work with the school willingly on finding ways to improve your child’s behavior. Initiating a meeting with the teacher, principal, counselor, and other staff to discuss the effects of bullying is a good start. Perhaps there is a therapist in your community that could help your child and other children better understand the matter.
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Empower Your Child. Building your child’s skills for managing difficult situations and resolving arguments are ways to empower him successfully. These tools are powerful in that they can help him learn to be mentally and emotionally strong and resilient. Let him join extra-curricular activities that involve self-management and building positive relationships. Working with your child towards developing him into a better individual who respects and empathizes will truly be a gift he can use throughout his lifetime.
Parenting is not an easy thing to do, especially once your child reaches his adolescent or teenage years. No matter how much you make an effort to make everything perfect, some factors are outside your control. Keep in mind that a teenager usually wants to make decisions or choices for himself. He does not want to seek for the advice of parents and friends because such an act is considered as the kind of move that a loser would make. All these statements come from a new journal published by a world-renowned psychologist.
As a parent, you need to understand these facts so that you will not encounter a hard time in dealing with your teenaged child. Always remember that the essential thing that you must focus is to nurture your child into becoming a successful member of society. Hence, you must continue to make an effort in encouraging your child to keep on improving. Here are the techniques to remember:
Recognize Little Success
If you want to empower your child to become the best version of himself, the first thing that you must do is to take notice of the best little things that he regularly does. Be sure to inform your beloved teen that you admire his small achievements. In so doing, he will become more confident about himself. His self-doubt and self-limiting thoughts will soon be gone. Eventually, his self-esteem will also increase. It will enable him to surpass every challenge that will come his way as well as help those surrounding him because he knows that he is more than capable.
Avoid Embarrassing Him
Another thing that you have to keep in mind is never to embarrass him in public. If you want to correct his action or words, be sure to do it in a private area. Never nag at him when you are in locations wherein other teens or kids can see what is going on. If you want to talk to your teen and reprimand him, it is suggested to wait until both of you are already at home. Otherwise, your teen will resent you for scolding him in public to the point that he will also start to keep his distance against you. At the same time, it can also lead to discouragements and frustrations.
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Have A Meaningful Conversation
No matter how hectic your schedule is at work or in your business, be sure to consider talking to your teen now and then. Keep in mind that constant communication is essential if you want to get updates about the latest happenings in your teen’s day-to-day life. The best thing about having these talks with your teenage child is that you can get an idea on how he is handling his affairs at school and his personal life. Find a way to get him to open up to you so that you can determine if he needs your help or assistance.
Ari Tuckman PsyD, MBA said “My advice is to be direct and honest with your teen about your concerns and goals.” Stephanie Dowd, PsyD, said “Be compassionately curious with him. Ask him questions about his mood gently, without being emotional.”
Be A Ray Of Hope
As already mentioned above, the days of your teen may not be good at all times, which is why you must continue to provide him hope and patience. Show him that he can get whatever he wants as long as he puts his mind and heart into it. Whenever you start to notice that he is feeling down, the next thing that you have to do is to have a pep talk with him. Let him know that having struggles is a normal consequence of living one’s life. What matters the most is how one handles it and consider it as the only way out.
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Conclusion
Amy Lewin, PsyD said “Adolescent parenthood is associated with a range of adverse outcomes for young mothers, including mental health problems such as depression, substance abuse, and posttraumatic stress disorder.”
Now that your child is transitioning into a teen, it is highly recommended that you follow the techniques mentioned above. Remind yourself that you are the light that can guide your teen to the right one. Whenever you think that parenting has become overwhelming, then do not hesitate to rest for a while. Keep in mind that it is okay to press pause if it means improving your mental health. Always encourage your teen to do better every single day so that you can be proud of him and to ensure that everyone around him is going to admire him as a friend.
Amy Lewin, PsyD said “Adolescent parenthood is associated with a range of adverse outcomes for young mothers, including mental health problems such as depression, substance abuse, and posttraumatic stress disorder.”
Being a parent of a teenager is challenging, especially when your child is starting to make decisions for himself. At the same time, you no longer have absolute control over his schedule, especially when he has to go to school. It means that you can no longer follow your kid wherever he goes. Because of this, it is imperative on your part to take the necessary steps to prevent your teen from rebelling. Otherwise, he may end up going to therapy sessions or being admitted to a rehabilitation center.
