Troubled Teen Resources

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“Mom, Jenny took my toy!” “Sam is looking at me again!” “Why does Angela get to stay up an hour later?”

Does this sound like your household? Sibling rivalry is a fact of life in many households where more than one child lives. Siblings may fight with each other for the attention of their parents, for possessions, or for privileges. For example, a younger child may be envious of his older sibling’s “freedoms,” such as staying up later or getting to ride in the front seat of the car. Or a child may be jealous of a new baby and all of the attention it receives. Sometimes, parents may accidentally provoke or reinforce sibling rivalry by treating their children unfairly, allowing one child to dominate, or not setting limits when their children get into heated quarrels.¹

At times, parents may feel that there is nothing they can do to stop their children from fighting and that their children just have to outgrow this stage. But if conflicts between your children are handled well, sibling rivalry can be reduced.

What To Know

Children 7 years old and younger may not fully grasp the importance of cooperating; very young children are still living in “me” centered worlds. But from age 8 and up, a child can be helped to see things from another person’s point of view. Therefore, you can talk to them about the need for cooperation and the importance of respecting others’ rights.² For example, an 8-year-old can understand why she should let her younger brother have a turn on the swing set: because she wouldn’t like it if she didn’t get her turn.

What To Do

Here are some tips to help you prevent sibling conflicts:

Give each child his own “things.” Children can’t be expected to share everything. Make sure each has some possessions of his own and his own personal space.³

Avoid comparing your children. Jealousy is often at the root of sibling rivalry. Saying things like “Why can’t you be well-behaved like your brother?” can make a child feel insecure and can provoke arguments.

Don’t show favoritism. Make sure that, as much as possible, you treat your children as equals, regardless of their ages. Younger children are bound to feel slighted if an older sibling has a lot of extra privileges. An older child may be upset if she is disciplined more than her younger sibling, who “gets away with everything.”

Pay attention to each of your children and listen to what each has to say. If you have a baby in the family who demands more attention, let your other children help with the baby’s care. But it’s a good idea to set aside some alone time with each child daily. Sibling rivalry often is a cry for attention…so make sure each child is getting enough.

Here are some tips for those times when quarrels do break out between siblings:

Use your judgment about intervening in your children’s disputes. If the argument is about something minor, such as who gets to hold the TV remote control, encourage your children to work it out themselves. Resist the urge to solve the problem for them; just pay attention to make sure the argument doesn’t get out of hand.⁴

Praise your children when they come to an agreement without fighting.

Don’t reward tattling by overreacting to it, unless your child is telling you something truly important. If a child tattles about a minor dispute with a sibling, encourage him to find a solution that everyone can live with. This will help your children learn to take responsibility for their own problems.

Intervene when necessary. If an argument gets physical, you will need to get involved. Take your children aside and tell them clearly that fighting or breaking things is not acceptable in your family and that there will be consequences for this behavior. Tell them that your family uses words to solve problems. Use “time-outs” to give your kids a chance to cool off from intense arguments.

You also will need to interrupt any name calling, yelling, threatening or dominating, or arguments in public.⁵

Sources

¹ The Family Works. Practical Steps Toward Helping Siblings Get Along, last referenced 3/14/2003.

²Ibid.

³ Urban Programs Resource Network. When Siblings Fight, last referenced 3/14/2003.

⁴ Helping Siblings To Get Along, last referenced 3/14/2003.

⁵ Ibid.

Additional Resources

• Bright Futures: Helping Siblings Get Along (PDF)
• PBS.org: Getting Along Together: Developing Social Competence in Young Children

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